David Knows What’s Up: The Art World Makes No Sense
David graces us with his knowledge again, this time on Art Basel: Miami Beach
Art Basel, which ended last Sunday, is confusing — even just the name. You’d think it was happening in Basel, right? (FYI, Basel’s a town in Switzerland that’s famous for nothing. As an aside, someone mentioned to me the other day that they were going to a Swiss restaurant. What the hell kind of food is that? Does everything have a neutral taste, the chef not favoring one flavor over the others? I don’t know — and I don’t want to know.)
But like I was saying, Art Basel isn’t in Basel. It’s in Miami. Oooooh, Art World. So clever. Say one thing, do another. Typical. The annoying thing — or one of the many annoying things — is that you always hear folks involved in fancy poodle-carrying hobbies like opera and art griping about how “regular people'” aren’t interested in seeing Matthew Barney cover himself in Vaseline and prance around like a gazelle. Well, us regulars are never gonna be interested if we don’t even have the right directions. I mean, I wouldn’t call a party I was having, “Party at David’s” and then have it at a Sbarro. That’s just common sense. I swear to the big guy in the sky that although I knew Art Basel was happening in December, I didn’t know it was happening in Miami. What if I’d booked a plane ticket to the wrong city? I guarantee you I wouldn’t have been the first person to make that mistake. And I double guarantee you that the Art World doesn’t a damn. The Art World is the master of crocodile tears.
It’s funny that the Art World decides to hold this thing in Miami. Is there any good reason why? When I think of Miami, I think of old people in knee socks playing shuffleboard and nightclubs with names like Tease where girls with orange skin wait for guys in shiny shirts to buy them vodka at $8000 a bottle. I should add that the only time I was actually in Miami I was five years old and got sunburned so badly that when my Pops put aloe on the burns I heard a sizzling noise. 100% true.
I don’t even really get what Art Basel is. I’m a happening guy with my fingers in lots of important pies, but if you were to ask me, over beers and burgers, “Yo, D-Money, what’s this whole Art Basel thing anyway?,” I wouldn’t know what to say. As far as I can gather, it’s like a temporary art museum where you can buy the stuff on display. Actually, lemme check the website right now and see what it says. BRB [Checking Art Basel website]. Okay, this helps: “An exclusive selection of more than 250 leading art galleries from North America, Latin America, Europe, Asia and Africa will exhibit 20th and 21st century artworks by over 2,000 artists. The exhibiting galleries are among the world’s most respected art dealers, offering exceptional pieces by both renowned artists and cutting-edge newcomers.”
Translation: it’s like a Best Buy of Art. And unless, A) sophisticated and superfine ladies like this one are gonna be there; or B) an original print of a certain C.M. Coolidge masterpiece, AKA the greatest painting of all time, is for sale then I don’t see the point of ever going.