David Knows What’s Up: Who Do They Think They Are?
David Knows What’s Up | Who Do They Think They Are?By David Marchese
You know how you think growing up means you don’t have to deal with some of the annoying stuff you had to deal with when you were a kid? Like for example, the D-Man never has to eat his veggies anymore. Never. Sometimes when I’m at a restaurant I’ll send back a side order of spinach or Brussels sprouts just because I can. I’m an adult. I’m allowed.
But like a stubborn nifkin attached to my heinie, there’s an annoying thing lingering from my childhood that I can’t quite pick off. That thing is “They.” When I was a kid, teachers would always be saying shiz like, “They won’t like that kind of attitude in high school.” My JV badminton coach liked to say, “They will not stand for that!” My Grandma used to say, “They don’t want to associate with people who swear like a sailor, David.”
Now I’m all grown up. I gamble. I drink beer. I eat a whole medium pizza at one sitting if I want. And still, I take crap from “They.” But now it’s not so much about “They” boxing me in or giving me warnings. No. Now “They” are peer-pressuring the hell out of me. “Hey Dave,” some fox’ll say to me, “Wanna see Avatar or whatever? They say it’s good.” I don’t know. Maybe I wanna see it. Let me make up my own mind.
Or I get stuff like this a lot: “Hey, D-Struction, wanna go to some hot new Vietnamese sandwich place? They say the food is delicious.”
Oh “They” do, do “They?” Well, get this: I looked into who “They” are and I’m not impressed. In the first case mentioned above, “They” are hack critics who write for places you’ve never heard of. In the second example-a-rino, “They” usually means a Zagat’s guide — and John and Jane Nobody, who send in reviews to Ol’ Man Zagat hisself, write those sneaky little suckers. So “They” are not exactly experts.
Weather’s a big one too. “Davey M, Davey M! Put on a hat, They say it’s cold out today.” I can’t even tell you how many times someone saying something like that makes me put on a hat. Then my sweet hair gets messed up. Then I’m embarrassed all day. Worst part? In this situation, “They” means weathermen. We all know weathermen wouldn’t know a cold front if it came down from the Eastern Seaboard and bit them on the ass.
Listen, I’m not trying to say “They” don’t know anything. Sometimes “They” do. But it took me probably twelve years before I thought to ask who “They” think “They” are. And it turns out “They” aren’t all that. To quote Ben Kingsley from the wicked badass spy movie Sneakers, “He who controls the information, controls the power.” Or something like that. You get the point.