David Knows What’s Up: Cats Are the Worst
David Knows What’s Up | Cats Are the WorstBy David Marchese
David hits home with some new knowledge-dropping for 2010…
Cats Are the Worst
The other day I’m standing around after work, chewing the fat with a co-worker, when he tells me about the creepy way his cat looks at the baby he just had. Okay, the baby his wife just had — you know what I meant. Don’t interrupt me. It’s rude.
Anyway, it seems that when guests are paying too much attention to this dude’s baby, the cat will sit there with a sour expression on its face, acting all put-off and whatnot. When my co-worker imitated the cat’s expression, he looked like a sassy granny who swallowed some yellow milk. Bottom line: the cat’s jealous.
When he was telling me about this stuff, I was all like, “Oh, too bad. Sorry to hear about your problems with your cat and baby. Hope they work it out.” But in my head I was thinking, “No crap! Cats are some mean mothers.”
I don’t like cats. Never did. Never will. When I find out that someone who I thought was cool has a cat, it makes me think they’re less cool. Cats are genetically engineered to sneak up on things and kill them. You think if a human was smaller, a cat wouldn’t do the same to you? Think again. It totally would.
El Dave-o is a reasonable hombre, but I’ve had enough bad experiences with cats to know that they’re not worth the kitty litter they crap in. That’s another thing: if cats are so great and smart, why can’t they learn to TCB outside? You can train a baby to do that, but it’s too hard for a cat? Come on.
Like I was saying, I’ve got personal reasons for being anti-cat. For one, I’m seriously allergic, which makes them a practical nuisance. Someone allergic to nuts wouldn’t sit in Mr. Peanut’s lap would they? Same deal with me and cats.
And when I was real little, my pops brought a cat home from an animal shelter. That cat bit me on the hand. Okay, it happened after I accidentally slammed the door on its tail a few times, but if cats were so great, they’d know better.
Wait. I just realized that cat literally bit the hand that fed it. Holy lord, cats are stupid.
Once I was cockblocked by a cat. No joke. Seriously, there I was at some elite lady’s condo, making magic happen, and the cat wouldn’t leave the room. I can’t be on my game with a cat staring at me. I’m mad even just thinking about it. You don’t CB the Davester and then expect me to like you in the morning.
You ever see this musical called Cats? I did. So dumb. When I was watching it from my primo seat in a theater on Broadway, I felt like I was being punk’d. I wanted to ask the other people in the crowd, “You know we’re watching a play about people jumping around pretending to be cats, right? Do you get how lame this is?”
Although, to be fair, that magical Mr. Mistoffelees seemed okay as far as cats go. But he’s the only one.