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David Knows What’s Up: Snow Is For Sissies

February 19, 2010


David Knows What’s Up: Snow Is for Sissies

By David Marchese

It’s snowing outside. Okay maybe not right when you read this, but now, when I’m writing it, it’s snowing. Faaaah!
Just before I started getting all way down deep with my writerly thoughts, I was eavesdropping on this guy wearing a black turtleneck and a long gold chain. (Who dresses like that? I wear hoodies and primo suits almost all the time.)
This stiff was sitting a couple seats down from me on the subway, talking to his BlueTooth. (He got reception because the subway wasn’t being “sub”; it was going across a bridge and being “super” — from the Latin or Greek for “Over.” Superway. I just made that up. Copyright. Make the check out to cash.)
Anyway, this guy was saying that the biggest adventure he had all day was “going across the street to the Starbucks.” He didn’t do anything crazier than that because he didn’t want “to deal with the blizzard.”
Outside it is gently snowing, as if the angels are shaking virgin flakes of dandruff from their haloed heads.
That guy on the subway was a puss.
Actually, come to think of it, tons of people are pusses when it comes to snow. It snowed about three quarters of a foot last week and the streets were empty and the schools were closed. When I told a co-worker (that’s right, I “made it” to work) that I was going out into the snow for a diet ginger ale he looked at me like I said I was about to climb the Rubicon.
Maybe a history lesson is in order. When Hitler tried to invade Siberia in WW2, he couldn’t — because there was too much snow. How could snow be bad if it stopped the Nazis? That’s a trick question: It can’t.
Similarly, Snowmen are super fun. Skiiing is cool, too, though the one time I tried it I fell a lot and my ass hurt for a solid week after. Bottom line: Both of those activities require lots of snow.
Snow the rapper is sucky overall, but don’t b.s. me — if “Informer” came on right now, you’d love it. “A licky boom boom down!” See what I mean?
When you get right down to it, I think people freaking out about snow has more to do with people having something to freak out about then with snow itself. Rain is way more dangerous. Hail hurts like a mother and can ding your car. What can snow do? Make a salt stain on your Uggs? And avalanches only happen at the tops of mountains, far from houses and businesses.
See what I mean? People are such bored sissies, they wait for a little snow and then are all like, “Ooggity booggity, isn’t this a big deal?” Because it’s either that or stare into the gaping void that is their lives.

That’s all for now. I gotta go shovel my neighbor’s steps. He’s old and could have a heart attack if he does it himself.

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2 Comments leave one →
  1. February 22, 2010 4:35 pm

    David, you so do know what’s up. In the British Isles, the conversations become even more vacuous as the inhabitants are just not used to “snow events.”

  2. March 26, 2010 10:02 am

    I like your stuff. Keep it up

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