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David Knows What’s Up: Australians Are Pretty Much the Worst

March 3, 2010

David Knows What’s Up:
Australians Are Pretty Much the Worst

By: David Marchese

Just now I was walking in my awesome neighborhood when I heard something that basically ruined my day: “Deed e-you lissen to wut your mother seeid, Aidan?” An Australian accent. Gross. There’s a reason words have as many syllables as they do — because that’s all they need. So why do Australians always add more? For example, here’s the right way to say the word “Yeah”: yeah. Here’s how Australians do it: eeeeyeeeah. Nails on a chalkboard.

That’s just the tip of Australian annoyingness. How many Australians have you met that you’ve actually liked? I’ve met three. Maybe. And that’s out of like 15. They’re always so aggro about being laidback. “Eets all good, mate. Let’s go swim for tin miles and then play tinnis.” Australians are like Californians who don’t know when to give it a rest.

The swimming and beach bullturd is especially irritating. I get it: Australia is surrounded by water. But so is Jamaica — and Jamaicans have the sense to be good at running instead of swimming. When the fuzz busts in Jamaicans can run away. What’s an Australian gonna do? Hope he’s near a lake so he can swim to safety?

Speaking of island nations, once I was visiting London when I met this Australian stripper that I wanted to bone. Her stage name was Kaya. That was the title of her favorite Bob Marley song. She wouldn’t tell me her real name. I think she got annoyed when I asked her how long she’d been a stripper. She called herself an exotic dancer. She was convinced she saw a dolphin in the Thames. I should also add that she told me she was once high on LSD for an entire year. Had a bit of an upper lip ‘stache too. Whatever, she was cute. Total weirdo and wouldn’t get down with the D-Man, but cute. (I read in the newspaper a couple days after meeting Kaya that in fact a dolphin had been spotted in the Thames, but that’s beside the point.)

And what’s with all these people who go to Australia for a year to fold beach towels or pick nits off of hostel beds or do whatever job it is that they do? We all know a friend — or a friend of a friend — who took that trip. But none of those people ever had a ton going for them in this hemisphere, know what I mean? Case in point: I knew this bro in high school who was fond of wearing rugby shirts with the collar popped. He used to get drunk and yell, “Do you like pussy?! Because pussy’s the best!” This dude moved to Australia to work as a bartender. Still hasn’t come back. It’s not a good sign if your country attracts dudes like him. Oh yeah, wasn’t Australia originally populated by the rest of the world’s thieves and murderers?

Head’s up — you might wanna grab a facial tissue, because I’m about to blow your mind and you’ll need something to clean it up. The word “Alian” is right there in Australian. Put that in your kangaroo pouch and light it.

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One Comment leave one →
  1. March 3, 2010 5:27 pm

    Don’t fuck about David. Jump on that whole antipodean thang – before returning to the Mother Land.

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