David Knows What’s Up: Why I Want Tiger Woods to Win the Masters
David Knows What’s Up:
Why I Want Tiger Woods to Win the Masters
By David Marchese
After taking a bunch of time off because he got caught banging broads behind his wife’s back, Tiger Woods is gonna finally play golf again this week. The tournament he’s playing is called the Master’s, which as far as I can tell is golf’s version of the prom.
I’m a dude — so I like to drink brewskies and joke around with my bros and watch sports on the tube. And in the course of my sports watching, I’ve seen a lot of talking heads yakking about what kind of reception Tiger will get from the fans and the other players when he tees it up. All those old honkies pretty much agree that peeps will be polite. I don’t know. Have you been following this stuff? Tiger didn’t just cheat — he tore shit up. And if golfers are like any other kind of worker — and they are — then they can’t get enough gossip about their co-workers. So it’d be one thing if Phil Mickelson and golfers X, Y, and Z (The only golfers I can name are Phil and Tiger) were all looking at Tiger and thinking, “Yo, that dude bagged a bunch of trim on the down low.” But that’s not what they’ll be thinking. They’ll be thinking, “Yo, I read these text messages Tiger sent to some porn star where they were talking about golden showers”; and, “Check this out: I read in Vanity Fair that Tiger met up to score with this chick but she was on the rag and he made her do it in anyway — in the parking lot of a church!” That’s heavy duty.
The other thing is that Tiger evidently bone-danced with a bunch of porn stars. That means dude watched skin flicks. The richest most famous athlete in the world sat on his yacht or whatever and did what every lonely shlub does. Who says Tiger isn’t relatable? I hope he wins the Master’s.
Speaking of flicks, the other day I told this dude that he should check out Eddie and the Cruisers. He said he’d add it to his NetFlix queue. I was all like, “Oh, cool.” But I’d been suckered. A week or so later, the same dude was saying how he has hundreds of movies on his queue. So when he told me that he’d add Cruisers he was basically taking my recommendation and sweeping it under the rug. “Yeah, Dave, I’ll definitely see that movie — sometime in 2013.”
Next time someone tells me that they’re adding a movie that I recommended to their queue, I’m gonna make sure they put it somewhere in the top ten. Otherwise, what’s the point?
I swear, sometimes I think the whole world could use a lesson in manners.