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David Knows What’s Up: Why the United States Will Never Win the World Cup

June 12, 2010

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David Knows What’s Up:
Why the United States Will Never Win the World Cup

By David Marchese

So the World Cup of soccer starts on Friday. Like most real Americans, I don’t actually give a crap, but will pretend to as long the U.S. team still has a chance to win. In the interests of fake caring, I’ve been analyzing the countries that our boys are going to compete against.
In the course of my studies, I’ve noticed that lots of people have offered various reasons, all of them wrong, for why the United States, despite multiple economic and demographic advantages, is not a top-level soccer nation. Other teams are better, say the pundits. The U.S. is not as good as those other teams, cry the experts.
Nuh-uh fools.
That ain’t it.
These colors don’t run.
Basically, democracy is bad for soccer. And since America is the most democratic and freedom-loving country in the world, it follows that the nation will always be a failure at international soccer. It says right there in the Constitution that the American Dream allows every man to be “equal in the pursuit of life, liberty, and one’s own happiness.” Apply those lessons to sports. If, as Americans, we think we’re all equal, why would we pass the ball to a teammate? If I’m just as likely to score a goal as you are, shouldn’t I just keep it and score myself? That’s the nature of democracy. In laymen’s terms, each and every one of our players was bred to be a Pele—the best. That mindset works in individualistic pursuits like bass fishing and geopolitics. It doesn’t work for soccer.
Similarly, back in 1776 our founding fathers, in their infinite wisdom, guaranteed us the right to bear arms. In the ensuing 226 years, every American man, boy, and older man has had that right ingrained in them by the news media, textbooks, and gun clubs. Think about the cumulative effect this has on the sporting psyche. Use arms. Use arms to dunk. Use arms to swing. Use arms to throw. Use arms to vote. What makes you an American is your right to use arms! That’s a fact. So how can we expect athletes raised under these conditions to adapt to a game wherein the players cannot Use. Their. Arms.
We can’t.
No matter what the rest of the world thinks.
U.S.A.!
U.S.A.!
U.S.A.!

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One Comment leave one →
  1. Trevor permalink
    June 15, 2010 3:52 pm

    Wow, what a vapid article.

    Like most Americans I find soccer dull. But I am not going to pretend that it is inherently worse than other sports, I am sure that I would be a fan had I grown up in Brazil or Europe. Americans are not brought up on soccer. In a saturated market, it is very hard for a sport to establish itself.

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