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David Knows What’s Up: The Art of Packing For A Trip

July 1, 2010

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David Knows What’s Up: The Art of Packing For A Trip

By: David Marchese

So the other day I texted my bud and I was all like, “Dudebro: You, me, blunts, brews, babes. I’ll meet you at midnight. LOLsies. 4 serious tho.”
This guy is a major league EMer EFFer. In order to count the number of times that him and I partied so far off the hook that it fell off the wall, I’d need to be a human-handed octopus. So I thought I was tweaking when wigga texts back with, ‘Sorry, bro. Can’t.”
Wha wha whaaaaa?
I six gun a reply. “JK?”
Blam! “Nah, gotsta take care of some bidness.”
Pow! “Weak, bro. What’s going on?”
Gooooosh! “Off 2 Europe 2mrw. Got 2 pack.”
Yeah, that’s right. Dude turned down more fun than most people can even imagine. I.e., Jesus-deciding-to-get-crunk-on-a-Friday-night-in-South Beach fun. No joke. And why? Because he had to pack. Aww. Tell it to my Chinese friend Boo Effing Hoo.
The saddest part of this whole story is that human history is no stranger to people setting aside a stupid amount of time to pack. Old people are especially crazy when it comes to shoving shiz in a suitcase. “Gramps: You, me, early bird special at Denny’s. Let’s hit it and quit it.”


“I’m shorry, shunny, but I’ve got to paaaack.”
“Buck up, Oldie. Throw some undies and sockaroos in a Louis V. bag and let’s roll balls deep!”
The problem is that people get crazy about packing. They make lists of what to bring. They take extras in case stuff gets lost. They fill their heads full of Lonely Planet lies. You know what makes the planet lonely? People who read guidebooks instead of just going up to some long-legged Parisian beaut and being all like, “Voulez-vous couchez crepes croissainwich?”
So how do I manage to avoid the packing conundrum? Simple. I don’t pack. I stick some scrilla in my shoes, put some soap on a rope ‘round my neck, and I’m good to go. But look, I know not everyone is as hang-up free as yer Ol’ Uncle D. That’s why you gotta babystep it backwards. Do you really need those nail clippers? That disposable rain poncho? These passports and travelers checks? Not if you wanna know what freedom feels like.
There’s a trick that you can use to tell if you’re spending too much time packing. First, count how many minutes it took for you to pack. Then subtract all but one minute from that total. The sum will then be equal to the amount of time you’ve wasted. And that, dude, is time you could’ve spent with me.

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