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David Knows What’s Up: Bugged Out

August 12, 2010

David Knows What’s Up: Bugged Out

By David Marchese

I’m a stone cold killer when it comes to creepy crawlies invading my space. If I see a bug in my apartment, it’s dead. No hesitation. It goes like this: Become aware of bug. Pick up nearest book. Murder bug.

But I’m human. That means I think about stuff. And sometimes I wonder why I get so freaked out about bugs. Even a big bug like a water bug isn’t a threat to me. I understand that – the worst a bug is gonna do is crawl in my mouth while I’m sleeping. (And doesn’t everybody eat like 11 spiders or something in the course of their lifetime?) Still, I treat bugs like Jason Bourne treats rogue CIA agents.

Really, bugs have way more reason to be scared of me than I should be of them. I’m mad higher up on the food chain. I should be like those tribesmen in the untouched jungles of the Amazon who don’t bat a damn eye if some hairy fly lands on their face. They know that bugs are no biggie. They save their freaking out for when a jaguar jumps ‘em on the way to the water hole. They have their priorities straight.

Why aren’t I like that? On a given day, what is my jaguar? People. But my arm would be sore by noon if I took off a flip-flop and smacked every schmuck who scared me. The number two thing is cars, and they’d beat me in a fight every time.

Real talk: I have very little control of my life. I know, you’re like, “You? D-Large? I straight up assumed you were rolling balls deep all day every day?” Well, sometimes being honest is the deepest way to roll. So like I was saying, even I have to follow Pharaoah’s orders sometimes. I show up at the same place every day, then grind till quittin’ time. My sweet apartment, though, is all mine. I decide who comes and goes. I keep it barracks clean. I make my guests use coasters and crap. When a bug comes in, that’s like an intruder in the holy of holies. You’re not supposed to be here. I didn’t give you permission. You’re messing up my plans. You’re lousing up my life. And now you have to die.

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