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David Knows What’s Up: How To Make A Mondo 2011

January 21, 2011

David Knows What’s Up:
How To Make A Mondo 2011

By: David

Pretty much anyone who knows how to have fun celebrates New Year’s by wearing mondo awesome novelty glasses in the shape of the upcoming year. Here’s the catch: Those glasses only worked from 2000 to 2010 because each year had two zeros. You could see through the zeros. Now, it’s 2011. Unless you’re a Cyclops that stupid single zero isn’t gonna be much help. Obstructed view is fine for a cheap lacrosse ducat (you just sneak down and steal some fatcat’s mondo seat anyway), but it ain’t good for goggles and it ain’t good for years.

So given that we can’t even see what’s going on, 2011 is looking majorly non-mondo. Think about all that’s happening in the world: Lady Gaga is gonna release a mondo new album, the discovery of fossil fuels reserves in Israel may well serve to mondo agitate the Middle Eastern zev den, the James Franco/Anne Hathaway Oscar-hosting tag-team could be mondo hot or a mondo Disastertron 3000, and still the genocide in Darfur continues apace. Gaia’s getting’ ‘er rage on—and only those with mondo keen eyesight can break the b—-.

But in the land of the blind, the one-eyed queen is king—so don’t refashion those 2011 novelty sunglasses into mondo prison shivs just yet. Usually I use this space to joke around and drop mondo powerful insight bombs, but, if you don’t mind, I’d like to be serious for a moment. Ralph Mondo Emerson said that you should go confidently in the direction of your dreams and to live the life you’ve imagined. Sounds hokey. And moving mondo confidently—like Axl Rose doing his snake dance or Natasha Henstridge feigning physi-pleasure in a B Movie—guarantees nothing. But what’s the alternative? Looking at the world through a one? The world can be a zero. You just have to melt down the plastic, make a rudimentary mold, and do some simple reshaping. You won’t need but a few metaphorical epoxy resins, release agents, and vacuum bags, some proverbial polysulfide rubber, flexi-foam, and 2 lbs of plaster-caster, and a figurative fire extinguisher ready-to-hand. It’s easy.

Oh, and put your money in pork belly futures. Mondo returns

One Comment leave one →
  1. Ephraim Albazeer permalink
    January 21, 2011 12:28 pm

    David is god — if god gave useful advice.

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